Art & Stability.
A conversation between my father & myself:

VR: Are there any young, handsome Pettys?
MD: (Shakes his head.) I don't know.
VR: You'd be pretty disappointed if I married a Petty, wouldn't you?
MD: (Shakes his head.) He'd probably be really unstable when he isn't driving.

It started out with me thinking it would be extremely cool for me to marry a young man from NASCAR royalty (& from my father's home state, no less), & it ended in a revelation. I started to argue that it wasn't true, that could be said for just about anyone with a profession. But then it hit me. When you have something in you, a talent, a gift, a passion, you probably are unstable when you don't satisfy that talent/gift/passion. I know I am.

I noticed that my downs come when I haven't drawn for a while. During June, I took a portfolio development class, & was highly elated every time I was doing homework for the class. When I waited until the last minute to do the work, I was already feeling a bit pissy. When I was in class, I was nervous & antsy when introduced to something new, but after finishing the projects I would feel relieved. Then when I left & came back a week later, I was truely amazed at what I had done & I wanted to do more.

When I was in Spain & dirt poor, living on one 1-euro sandwich a day, & spending all my money on materials for my art show there, & painting instead of paying bills on time, I felt good still. If I got really hungry I could just sit with my neighbour for a while & she'd eventually feed me. I was living the life. I would go to the bar & sketch for hours & talk to Pepe, the bartender son, or his parents, who owned the bar. It was hot as an oven outside, but it didn't matter. My landlord was on my ass but it didn't matter. Nothing did: I was creating.

When I remember back to those times when I've been most low, I can remember not having energy or motivation or even a desire to draw. But I've since learned that motivation for everything else comes from art for me. If I just sketch on a napkin (I used to do this a lot when I was a kid) I feel a bit better. If I just have enough energy to pick up a pencil, pen, crayon, anything, I can turn things around for myself. Sure, it's not magic, it can't solve my problems, but how I feel has a lot to do with how things go for me that day. It has a lot to do with if I will let little things get to me, or even big things.

It doesn't have to be something I want to show to people. It doesn't have to be a masterpiece. It just has to be something, & then I'm on the right track. Even having an idea to draw & not drawing it bogs me down. I might not have enough time for composition studies & toning paper all the time, but I definitely always have time & opportunity to doodle.

I'm an extremely unstable person by nature. But I do believe I've been given something that can change that, that has changed that in the past. My last 'independent' drawings were done during a period where I just didn't feel right about something, but I took the time out to do them, & even though it didn't solve anything, I felt a lot better. Drawing allows me to think, or not, when I most need it.

& now I know I need to do that more, no matter what it is, just put something on paper. I rather it be amazing work, but no matter what it is, I just need it to be. & I'm at least going to try. I know the inspiration will come, eventually, but even when it's not there, or the strength, or the motivation, or the energy, if I just start, it'll come. 

As it always does.  

Eventually.